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When it comes to dating etiquette, one question seems to inspire more anxiety than most: Who pays for the first date?
Dating experts believe there is a clear answer for heterosexual couples.
“The man should pay for the first date,” said Blaine Anderson, a dating coach for men.
Erika Ettin, an online dating coach, agrees.
“I recommend that my male clients pay and my female clients bid,” said Ettin, the founder of A Little Nudge. Men should politely decline that offer — unless the woman insists, in which case the man should accept it, Ettin added.
The etiquette “shouldn’t be so complicated,” she said.
Public opinion is more or less in line with what dating experts say. Most Americans — 72% — say a man should pay for the first date, according to a recent NerdWallet poll. Some 68% of adults stress about their finances when arranging a date, and 69% said they felt uncomfortable going on dates because of how much it would cost, according to a recent Self Financial survey.
Who pays, the average person pays $77 for a first date, according to a LendingTree survey. That adds up: The average man paid $861 on dates in 2019 while the average woman spent $500, LendingTree found.
“Plan something that’s within your budget,” said Anderson, founder of Dating By Blaine.
“If you’re concerned about cost, you’ve planned a date that’s too expensive,” Anderson added. Feeling the need to go to a fancy dinner to impress your date means “you’re approaching the date the wrong way,” she said.
Why dating experts think men should pay
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Historically, men have been expected to foot the bill because of men’s traditional roles as breadwinners and women as caregivers of children, said Carli Blau, a couples and dating therapist.
While society has changed tremendously, men probably still feel a subconscious need to pay as a gesture of financial security, said Blau, founder of Boutique Psychotherapy.
Indeed, men are more likely to think they should pay for a first date than women, at 78% versus 68%, according to NerdWallet’s survey.
Proponents of men picking up the tab sometimes point to ongoing financial factors such as a persistent gender pay gap as a key rationale.
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But dating experts often use a different logic: The person asking for the date should generally treat — and that’s typically the man in American society, Ettin said.
The same calculation applies to same-sex couples: Whoever asks has to break out their wallet, she said.
“I don’t think it’s a matter of ‘the guy should pay for it,’ but rather who is courting who?” Blau said.
In heterosexual couples, 53% of men say they asked out on the first date versus 15% of women, according to a survey by the Institute for Family Studies.
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The one who pursues a romantic interest and chooses where to take his date is expected to pay, Blau added.
That means a woman has to be willing to pay if she asks a guy out, Ettin said. However, she advises men to still be prepared to cover the tab.
There’s some romantic strategy here, too: Covering the bill gives the man “the best possible shot at a second date if he likes her,” Anderson said.
Yes, it’s the traditional expectation — but it’s also a nice gesture, she added.
The advice is not against the notion of equality and feminism, Ettin said.
“We still want that,” she said. “But it’s nice to be treated once in a while.”
“I do believe that equality and feminism and chivalry can all exist at the same time,” Ettin said.
When to split the bill
Plus, splitting the bill feels “extremely hard and friend zone-ish,” Ettin said.
Women interested in a second date can instead suggest that they pursue the next time, she suggested.
Women who offer to pay shouldn’t be mad if men accept, experts said.
“Don’t go call a friend or me as a therapist and complain later that they took you up on it,” Blau said.
“In this place of equality and women who want to be treated equally – as we should be – if we go to pay, it might also be considered disrespectful if the man says, ‘No, I’ll take care of it.'” Then it becomes a powerful dynamic. ,” she added.
If you are concerned about cost, you have planned a date that is too expensive.
Blaine Anderson
dating coach
Some women may feel the need to split the check if they know they don’t want a second date. However, experts differed somewhat on this etiquette.
“I don’t think it’s a requirement,” but it’s polite to offer to pay in such cases, Anderson said.
Ettin, however, does not think that payment should be tied to how well a date went.
“All you owe them is a thank you,” she said. “That’s it. Thank you very much.”